It’s been 3 weeks and I still can’t believe she’s no longer with me .......................................
“You’ll know when the time is right”. “She’ll tell you when it’s time”. “Sooner rather than later”.
I didn’t listen.
Just 2 weeks after her 16th birthday and 4am in the morning, Emma was awake and trying desperately to get up. This was unusual as she usually slept dead until I woke her at 7 each morning and the carpet was a particular surface that she usually managed to get up on without help. I picked her up and carried her out on the lawn. She just couldn’t get up and remain standing without me supporting her. I cradled her on the lawn until the sun came up and those expression filled eyes told my tear filled eyes that she was very, very tired!
Thinking she might have had a small stroke I visited the vet the same morning. She was diagnosed with a lot of pain in her back and neck. Cortisone shots, heavy meds, and the inevitable daily dose of Rimadyl to be started the following week. If she was no better after 2 days a blood test was suggested - maybe her cancer had spread? (She was diagnosed with cutaneous haemangiosarcoma 1 ½ years previously).
She had already been deaf for 2 years but the movie business had given us a few hand signals and her eye sight was compromised only in the dark. Her nose was as sharp as ever and she could still sniff out and steal a treat when no one was looking
The days that followed were physically and mentally exhausting. I started setting my alarm for 5am so that I could take her out before she wet herself (missed it once/twice during the day); her sticky paws (fantastic invention for pets and slippery surfaces) were on almost permanently now.
I retrained her to sleep in the study (laminated and confined). This was already a nail in her coffin after sleeping next to my bed for 16 years - but a new carpet - I’m so sorry Em! She was unable to position herself after I’d lifted her into the back of the car so on one occasion she fell out when I turned away too soon.
Although still weighing at my prescribed under 20 kg (a svelte 17 kg.), she had become dead weight and my frozen shoulder was taking strain as was my back and neck. The tension was not only physical but also tangible in the house. Charlie knew the time had come but I could not face it and took it out on him.
Her aging process consumed me - every waking moment it was foremost in my mind (and I wasn’t getting much sleep, so this was a lot of minutes). I needed to consider how the Boys were going to be told and how they were going to accept it, I needed to consider Tori arriving home to prepare for her wedding and all the USA and local guests that were going to be in and out of the house and all the time I was not going to be at home and able to take care of Emma when she needed me.
The only time Emma was chirpy was at agility training - she was able to stand up unaided on the grass and this was the only time she barked for my attention. All Emma ever wanted was to be with me 24/7 and this was now compromised as she was unable to follow me around the house.
With virtually no grey hairs and a coat that had improved with age, I realised the night before the appointment that I was making the right choice.
Thank you for giving me the world of Agility Em. You were a special friend, but Ascii is waiting to slobber all over you.
Happy Valentine’s Day, my wonderful Border Collie.
C’est la vie
Your Mom forever
